My father is 88 years old and my mom is 83. They have owned their own home for well over fifty years. My dad, being a self-made man, has rarely encountered a project that he wouldn't try. In other words, hiring someone to do home improvements or repairs was an unheard of luxury for my parents. My dad's Alzheimer's diagnosis has altered very little in either of their thinking patterns. It is just understood that either or both of them will carry out any home project that needs to be accomplished.

That brings me to a weekly chore that involves mowing and trimming the lawn. As the eldest, I have attempted on many occasions to discuss hiring someone to mow the lawn. It sounds simple, doesn't it? The problem is that the suggestion that someone else should the mow the lawn is met with unbelievable resistance. I thought that my parents would welcome a neighborhood teen that would come on a regular basis and keep the lawn mowed. I was greatly mistaken!

"Why would you think that your mother and I couldn't keep up the lawn?", my dad asked after the topic came up again that someone 65 years younger should mow the lawn .
"I thought that maybe it was becoming too much work for you and mom", I noted.
"I don't know why you would think that, Bonnie, your mother and I have mowed this lawn for over 50 years without help!", he exclaimed.
"Dad, you and mom are getting older and" I began, " I won't discuss it anymore! We will mow the yard as long as we can and that is that!" my dad pronounced.

I decided to drop it there! An argument doesn't accomplish much and I could see that reasoning with either of my parents would be fruitless. My father has a memory loss issue and my mom gets stuck in her own denial. I think that the idea that Alzheimer's has changed them is too hard to accept right now. My father is in-between stages and therefore the memory loss is not too profound yet. He is still able to do many things with help and prompting. My mom continues to believe that he is "better" and even when confronted with the reality that Alzheimer's is a progressive disease of loss; it is almost impossible for her to accept. I feel mean-spirited to point out to her that she is being unrealistic. I feel fearful that their combined memory-loss and denial will lead to harmful ramifications.

The problem with Alzheimer's is that the individual doesn't lose all of their capabilities, they lose just enough to be a danger to themselves and others. I am not sure that my dad should be mowing a lawn with a dangerous blade potentially ready to cut and tear at a foot or hand that would come too close. Alternatively, I am anxious for both of my parents to be independent as long as possible. Sometimes I am angry with my dad because he is so stubborn with his capabilities and refuses to be observant of his lessening abilities. Sometimes I am angry with my mom who wants him to continue to be independent and won't consider the dangers inherent in his memory loss. I wonder if there will be an accident or something else that will pronounce an end to power tools or lawn mowers or driving.

I went by their home last week-end to find both of them exhausted and sweaty after mowing the lawn. I could imagine the neighbors saying, "what in the world are those daughters thinking to allow their parents to mow in this heat?" I listened to them as they told me about pushing the mower up the embankment of the yard and helping one another with the task.

They were proud of themselves, I noticed. One more week of their long lives and they had had the strength to tackle the lawn and finish the task.

Mowing the lawn was what they have to crow about, was I going to take that away? Soon enough, I realized, Alzheimer's will do it's corrosive work. Why couldn't they enjoy a small victory today? "The lawn looks nice" I said, and it did.

My sister lives out of town so it took us a few weeks to organize our "Father's Day" celebration with Dad. We decided to have the event at a local cafeteria. My father loves cafeterias.
I think that it is the selection of foods that are available and he loves the "see it and get it" idea behind the service at a cafeteria. He points and the food is passed to you! What could be easier..talk about fast food!!

We met after church at a busy cafeteria. It was good for the family (i.e. fast and plentiful) but not as good for my dad (i.e. busy and confusing). My father has always been a busy person. I suspect that he was the original ADHD ( Attention Deficit Disorder) person. He was always going 100 miles per hour. He never sat down in church to listen to a sermon. My dad was always the guy who had to check on the hot water heater or find the stray teen on the church grounds. He loved the involvement and always had a willing heart of service.

Now, with the Alzheimer's, my dad is not as outgoing and is even a little fearful in crowds.
He followed one of us to the food counters and he ate very little. I noted that the cafeteria may not be the best choice in the future for our family outings. Change is an interesting thing. As a family, we have known for almost a year now about the Alzheimer's, but the learning curve has been slow and painful. Each time I am with my dad, it seems that I see a new area of change. This time it was the change in his reaction to his beloved cafeteria. He just didn't enjoy it . He wanted to go home.

No one was offended. It was just hard to see that our time together was more of a strain than a blessing to him. I have noticed that, even within our tight knit family, members are not interacting with my father in the same ways. Again, a change.

He is quiet and has little to say. In the past, my father was the "life of the party", always laughing and joking and putting his arm around you. Now, with the progression of Alzheimer's, he doesn't engage people to share a joke or a private word.

My father is literally someone that we do not know. People draw back and are unsure how to interact with him. Some family avoid him. Still others confuse him and expect the same old reactions without considering the Alzheimer's effects; everyone is struggling with how to relate to him now. It is heartbreaking to track the robbery that Alzheimer's has left us. That smiling and happy man with a ready word for family and friends doesn't seem to live there anymore.

The scripture states that "all things work together for good for he that loves the Lord"...I am trusting a loving God who certainly has allowed this illness to overtake my sweet father...so far, I am having trouble seeing the "good" but then ,I don't have the big picture, God does.
So I leave it in His hands recognizing that God the Father loves my father better than I do and that ultimately He knows what is best.

I wish I could rest there. I am trying to accept the Alzheimer's and the changes that it has brought into my relationship with my dad. Somehow, I keep seeking that guy who loves cafeterias and who laughs and shares his enjoyment of life with others. I would love to hear a goofy story or see my dad walking purposefully across the front lawn exclaiming about the crab grass invasion.

I would love to catch a glimpse of the other guy who didn't have Alzheimer's. I just know him so much better and change is not one of my best things either.

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