This weekend was Father's Day. Our family is very active concerning "get togethers"; family time has always been expected and anticipated. My father has 7 brothers and sisters and I have 29 first cousins...therefore there is almost always a birthday or anniversary or something that we get together to celebrate. However, this year was different.

My mother and I had decided that because of certain family events that celebrating Father's Day would have to be put off until the following weekend.

We told all parties involved EXCEPT my father; the reason, Alzheimer's! My mom was concerned that he would be concerned that we weren't celebrating on the REAL day. I understand that she doesn't want my dad to get his feelings hurt over things that we might easily avoid but her anxiety soon became the family’s anxiety. She felt that my father would know that it was Father's Day and be hurt if the family didn't respond and explain the plan to meet the following weekend for lunch.

We were all instructed to call on Father's Day and wish my dad a happy day...sounds easy enough...it turned into a nightmare! As the phone calls and well-wishers offered happy returns of the day, my father became more and more confused.

"Aren't you coming over today?", he would ask.

"When are we going out to lunch?”, he wanted to know.

As each caller explained the plan, it got more and more upsetting to my dad. Mom said that he finally wouldn't answer the phone and told her, "No one seems to know what they are doing today!"

I had to laugh! Because truer words were never spoken! Sadly, it wasn't just that day that we were confused, with an illness like Alzheimers, it is often that we are confused. The illness leaves the family unsure how to proceed. People in the family would call me to ask how to talk to my dad.

"What do you mean?", I asked my family members.

"You know, he isn't the same, how should I approach the subject?", they would ask.

"Just be loving and keep it simple", I replied. It was very sweet and loving but frustrating too. Why were they asking me? Most of these folks had interacted with him for most of their lives and now, it seemed, they were clueless! I appreciated their concern, like my mom, they didn't want to do or say anything that would cause harm. As I considered the whole "Father's Day" mess, it occurred to me that much of the confusion of the day was caused by anxiety and fear.

I understand that my relatives are afraid of the person that Alzhiemers has created. My father is not his old jolly and happy self. He rarely laughs and often sits and stares into space. He doesn't seem to be unhappy, he is just a different person than we have all known and loved. Sometimes it breaks my heart and I wish I could see that man again, but mostly I am trying to do something that a wise friend told me to do. My friend said to "embrace what I have not what I don't have". Wise words...God has chosen to allow this to happen to my dad and I am choosing to find acceptance in His will for our lives. Embrace the time that you have with your loved ones. No one knows when or what may change them or you.

I have recently concluded that my father is in the moderate stage of Alzheimer's Disease (AD).

The moderate stage generally includes the following:

 

More pronounced memory problems

Difficulty with basic food preparations

Inability to perform routine household tasks

Decline in personal hygiene

Increased wandering that is not goal-directed

Agitation and irritability

Confusion ( especially at night)

 

 

Like all of the earlier symptoms, AD resists clear definition i.e., the symptoms are patchy and difficult to identify at first.

For example, last week, my father was unable and unwilling to help my 83 year mother with mowing the lawn (I know!  I have asked her to get a neighborhood kid to mow but she insists that she and dad can handle it!)  I do worry about her too...I guess this is the denial that if she allows herself to believe that dad is "normal" then maybe he is... at least for a while.

 

My mom and I had an appointment with a CPA and we left my father for about an hour and a half...It was 90 degrees and very humid that afternoon.  When we got back from our appointment, my father was sitting in their tiny living room with sweat dripping off of him.

 

My mom said  "What in the world happened? Did the air conditioning go out?"

My father replied, "No, I decided to mow the lawn."

My mother was so upset with him. She said, "Couldn't you have waited until I got home? I could have helped you."

My dad exclaimed, "I don't need you to help me mow the lawn.  I have been doing this for 50 years by myself (Which is true; my parents are from the generation that the man did it all outside the house for the wife.  My mother didn't know how to pump her own gasoline until 8 months ago!)

 

At this point an argument ensued that involved my mom reminding my dad that she wasn't gone that long and he should have waited etc.etc.etc.  While I certainly agreed with her and was very concerned about his managing the mower alone and accomplishing the lawn mowing in the heat of the afternoon, I realized as I listened to them argue that the discussion was going to be totally unsatisfying for both of them.

 

My dad would forget what was said almost at once. I respected that my mom needed to talk but reasoning with my father at this point is pretty pointless. This is one of the issues that is not listed in the "moderate stage" list for AD.

 

Reasoning with someone is a gift that we take for granted. It never crosses our minds that we cannot reason something out. The Bible says that even God calls us to "come let us reason together".

 

When a person is inflicted with AD the ability to reason is often lost in the memory lapse.  Sometimes it is available and when it occurs you rejoice...but often, like that hot afternoon at my parents house, I noticed that the reasoning was not going to help at all, in fact, it was causing more agitation for both of my parents.

 

I distracted my dad by asking if he would like something to drink.   He asked me why I asked him that.

I said, "Well, you are dripping sweat and I thought you might like some water."

His answer was, "Oh', OK ...if you think I need it"

 

Sweat and heat and exercise did not add up to being thirsty for my dad that day.  His reasonable self was not present.  I left the house feeling sad and sorely tested. My father has always been the most reasonable person that I know.  He is truly becoming someone that I don't know and I feel the loss deep.

My dad's diagnosis of Alzheimer's has lead me into a new world of financial and legal matters that I never knew existed! Alzheimer's Disease (AD) forces families and patients to handle legal issues that affect their own and their loved ones legal status.

States differ in the way that these issues are processed. Some states require that a person be found mentally incompetent before legal guardianship can be put into place. In Virginia, we learned that a diagnosis of AD and my father's attendance at the attorneys office were sufficient for power of attorney and transfer of the a mutually held deed to my mother's name only.
I understand why families are reluctant about taking this step. If a family waits too long , the hard decisions may be impossible to make. Ideally, AD patients may be competent enough in the early stages to express their wishes and the family can plan together. In our case, we waited too long for my dad to contribute to his own treatment.

Finding an attorney and determining the process involved and the cost affiliated with the services were all time consuming.
My family choose an attorney that my husband and I had used to help us with our own business a year earlier. Before we made our choice, I asked others that I trust to suggest attorneys that they were familiar with as possible candidates. Friends shared their stories and we ultimately choose someone who we felt confident in and who was experienced with elder law.
We also choose someone whom we thought would be respectful and patient with our parents and their current issues.
The lawyer was chosen and the date set and my sister and I made plans to attend.

I am the oldest daughter and I live in town. I realized early that it would be SO EASY to allow the process and the care-giving to fall on my shoulders in it's entirety!
Also, I know that, as a therapist, it would be easy to "be the counselor" and take full responsibility "for the many physical and emotional needs associated with AD. I knew that the burden would be too great! I also knew that I wanted to be involved in the care that my parents would need but that sole responsibility would be a killer! (I urge caretakers and family members of AD patients to seek support)

We are about one year into the process and I can say that it is not an illness that any one family member or any family should attempt to tackle alone! I am grateful for the strong ties that we have built as a family and my parents fellowship of believers that often offer to help or drive or assist in any way that is needed. In this way, the years of investing in the body of Christ and assisting others really returns many times over. I am impressed daily with the people that have been touched by the ministry efforts of my parents who have labored selflessly in many unsung ministries throughout their lives.

Before the meeting with the attorney, I worried that my dad would be resentful and angry about the concepts involved in power of attorney etc. I shouldn't have worried.

He was truly like a lamb : trusting us to do what was right for him. It was somehow sad and sweet all at once. Everything was explained to him and he was asked to sign numerous papers but he never questioned anything. His only question was to ask the attorney if the room we were sitting in was the attorney's personal office.
He did ask my mom if he could take off his neck-tie. The attorney said "yes", my mother said, "No , not until we are finished".
My dad went with my mom's answer.
He may be debilitated with AD but he is still a wise man!